The Struggle of Art as an Identity

Drawing and painting are a huge part of my identity, yet they are also an inconsistent and aggravating part of my reality.

I live in a house now, and I have a studio. What I lack is discipline, direction, and confidence. I start and stop, and my focus scatters. 

This has been a problem my entire life. It’s like my natural state is to be paralyzed with anxiety. It’s easy to say I suffer from depression, but I often fear that there is just something essential broken inside of me, broken in a way that can’t be mended. I don’t remember when I haven’t been tired, sad, lonely, scared, and anxious.

I hear other artists talk about their depression being a motivation in their work, fueling their creativity. That is absolutely not the case for me. There is nothing romantic for me about being physically and emotionally exhausted without respite. It’s isolating. I lose the few connections I have because I have nothing to share of myself except my anxiety and stress. 

I feel like a failure, and I’m sorry for disappointing many people who helped support and encourage me to pursue what I wanted.

I’d love to talk to others that deal with this. I know what helps me, and I’m trying to get back to better habits.